It seems as though a familiar theme among my writing is love. My super sleuth skills tell me it’s likely because I still struggle so intensely with accepting the love that has been set aside for me since long before I entered this world. You see, I am a runner. It’s just part of my nature. Ever since I can remember, I have run fast from unsettling situations and relationships. I keep a pair of emotional tennis shoes on my nightstand, just in case I have to bolt unexpectedly. When I wrong someone in a relationship (which we all do, human hello!!) I can not help but withdraw from them. The shame and guilt is overwhelming, and my brain repeats over and over that I am not worthy of their love. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that tells us people must earn our time and affection, and that we have the right to cut off anyone who isn’t fulfilling some emotional need for us. The problem with this, is that this mindset effects how we view ourselves. I know for a fact that I have failed Jesus time and time again. The world’s point of view would have me believe that He could cut me off at anytime, that I don’t deserve to take up a seat at His dinner table. But what I know is this-
I come to His grand dinner table each night, sit down in the velvet cushioned chair with my name written all over it, and sob as He holds my shaking hand. By the end of the meal, He has put on my head a beautiful crown. A robe of flowers is on my shoulders. For a little while I wear it, I mean how could I not? It’s beautiful and comfortable and fits PERFECTLY. But somehow, on my way to the door, the thoughts of being “less than” have seeped into my vulnerable brain. Being the runner I am, I graciously remove the crown and place it back on His table. I hang the robe on the chair. I refuse to leave with these gifts. I don’t deserve them, certainly they were only meant to be enjoyed as I sat in His presence. Now, I’m out in the real world, right? All of these people, they know I’m not royalty. Nothing special. They know the disgraceful things I’ve done! They know, and I know, that I don’t deserve to wear that crown. So Jesus and I, we cycle through this. Him, convincing me that I deserve His love. Me, deciding it’s jut not possible. The frustrating thing is, I know deep in my heart that it is possible! That somehow this Jesus, the love of my life, loves me so deeply that he ACHES as I remove that crown. Still, He meets me here. He readdresses the same hurts in me over and over again. Unties the laces of my running shoes, smiles softly, holds out a gentle hand, puts that crown right back on my head.
This battle has been taking place for years within me, and He has not given up. Not once has He said to me, “I’m not giving you this crown because you always take it off!”. Even as I struggle to accept a love so pure, this much I know- He loves you enough not to give up, even when you do. He will not stop calling your name. He will spare no effort to show you the love He has for you, He will never leave you alone to your own devices (thankfully- mine aren’t much). Even if you aren’t able to comprehend the deepness of His love, remember this- He has spent an eternity loving people who tried to convince Him that to love them was impossible. He has spent an eternity proving them wrong.
You are not the exception.
Deuteronomy 33:12 “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”
Hugs and kisses and lots of love,